Funny Work Emails

[WiseGuy]

we had a thread on this in the old forums, post your funny emails that you get at work or even at home. I got one yeseterday and this was hidden in it using a 1pt font and the email was spammed with distracting .gif's


INLINE TEXT FOR BLACKBERRY USERS STOP

BBQ THUSDAY AUGUST 30 STOP

THEME IS BEACH DRESS APPROPRIATELY STOP

NINJAS WELCOME ALTHOUGH THAT IS AN EMPTY GESTURE SINCE WE COULD NOT BAR NINJAS EVEN IF WE WANTED AS THEY ARE STEALTHIER THAN THE HAMBURGLAR STOP

RAIN OR SHINE STOP

SPEEDOS DISCOURAGED STOP

END

[manofphat]

I have a ton at work. I'll forward them to me tomorrow

[Mike-KT]

lol ninjas

you work at a happy place peter

Also, welcome to my "here's a reason why to chose computer studies at the university of waterloo" pitch STOP

[Krythos]

I think he works at a place run by ninjas actually lmao

[WiseGuy]

the word ninja appears in emails more than you'd think around here... i just got another funny one too. Theres a company bbq on the roof tomorrow free liquor and kegs i hear :D so someone was asking about how to get to the roof and this email was forwarded to everyone:


Subject: RE: [co-op] First!



How to Get to the Roof:

Step 1: Go up until you can't anymore

Step 2: You are there

[manofphat]

Alright. I forwarded all my work e-mails to my home account today. Here is one:




Actual signs found:

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..!!"

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts!!"

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[WiseGuy]

Out of Office AutoReply:
I am permanently out of office on a mission to Mars. For anything urgent, contact Dave Holmes or Sean McGregor
i actually just got this as an automessage when i tried to email someone...

[silence]

LOL someone got fired, sux to be them!

[Krythos]

where do you get that someone got fired Silence? replys like what wise said people use all the time, even if its not true

[manofphat]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Think about it.


Answer comes later ;)

[RANDOM H3RO]

LoL @ Winston, dude....where do people come up with this shit.

[Krythos]

jump off the cliff cuz theres water? or just keep at the current speed and let the horse infront of you guide you? lol *to winstons joke*

[Wesley Crusher]

Call 911

[Crayola]

am i missing something? oh no, not a <2' drop...

[manofphat]

The answer might piss you guys off.
It's "Get off the damn merry go round stupid" lol

[WiseGuy]

lol nice

[Crayola]

that question was horribly misleading...

[Krythos]

funny. misleading. but funny

[manofphat]

Smart Ass Answer of the Year 2006

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in 1st class.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat. She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The butcher replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads," Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand .

[The Killing Joke]

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand .

I heard that this was a true story! (...and that it was Winston, who was the guy in class.)

:))

[WiseGuy]

i've heard 1 and 2, but i liked #4 lol

[NIS3R]

dad sent this 2 me:

Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out
of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my
brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management
team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged
$5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in
your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and
is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and
try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can
see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive
a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of
'Bob'

[WiseGuy]

LOVE #6 hahahaha

[manofphat]

I like #1 lol
Where is Mark now-a-days anyway Mike?

[manofphat]

If you need a laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large Pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? A: Nearby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.' A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[WiseGuy]

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.' A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .
these two gave me a good chuckle lol

[WiseGuy]

Now this is the proper use for the "meeting" function on Outlook....


http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s283/wiseguy02/drinking.jpg

Just thought i'd share that with you cause i found it entertaining looking at that :P

[WiseGuy]

Understanding Engineers - Take One:



Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when One said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."



The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."





Understanding Engineers - Take Two



To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.





Understanding Engineers - Take Three



A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.



The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"



The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"



The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."



He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"



The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."



The group fell silent for a moment.



The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."



The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."



The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"





Understanding Engineers - Take Four



What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.





Understanding Engineers - Take Five



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"





Understanding Engineers - Take Six





Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[theunderking]

No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?

GOLD! (there were a bunch of other good ones, but im too lazy to multiquote) Makes me wish i got interesting work emails.

[WiseGuy]

i loved the "the glass is twice as big as it needs to be" lol

[silence]

^ rofl someone needs to go in for a refresher course on SQL =/

[Entropy]

hahaha reminds me of the time some tard kept his phone on and was talking loud on it, so some dude fucked him up and got kicked out.

[silence]

rofl wtf?!?!? how the hell is that confidential information? o.O

[silence]

yes, and i know that's just the signature attacked the every message sent out.. my dad has that setup aswell even if it's just a random message to a coworker

[manofphat]

Why I Fired My Secretary
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> Last week was my birthday
>>>> >> and I didn't feel very well
>>>> >> waking up on that morning.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> I went downstairs for breakfast
>>>> >> hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
>>>> >> "Happy Birthday!",
>>>> >> and possibly have a small present for me.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> As it turned out,
>>>> >> she barely said good morning,
>>>> >> let alone " Happy Birthday."
>>>> >>
>>>> >> I thought...
>>>> >> Well, that's marriage for you,
>>>> >> but the kids....
>>>> >> They will remember.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
>>>> >> and didn't say a word.
>>>> >> So when I left for the office,
>>>> >> I felt pretty low
>>>> >> and somewhat despondent.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> As I walked into my office,
>>>> >> my secretary Jane said,
>>>> >> "Good Morning Boss,
>>>> >> and by the way
>>>> >> Happy Birthday ! "
>>>> >> It felt a little better
>>>> >> that at least someone had remembered.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> I worked until one o'clock ,
>>>> >> when Jane knocked on my door
>>>> >> and said, "You know,
>>>> >> It's such a beautiful day outside,
>>>> >> and it is your Birthday,
>>>> >> what do you say we go out to lunch,
>>>> >> just you and me."
>>>> >> I said, "Thanks, Jane,
>>>> >> that's the greatest thing
>>>> >> I've heard all day.
>>>> >> Let's go !"
>>>> >>
>>>> >> We went to lunch.
>>>> >> But we didn't go
>>>> >> where we normally would go.
>>>> >> She chose instead a quiet bistro
>>>> >> with a private table.
>>>> >> We had two martinis each
>>>> >> and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> On the way back to the office,
>>>> >> Jane said, "You know,
>>>> >> It's such a beautiful day...
>>>> >> We don't need to go straight back to the office,
>>>> >> Do We ?"
>>>> >>
>>>> >> I responded,
>>>> >> "I guess not.
>>>> >> What do you have in mind ?"
>>>> >> She said,
>>>> >> "Let's drop by my apartment,
>>>> >> it's just around the corner."
>>>> >>
>>>> >> After arriving at her apartment,
>>>> >> Jane turned to me and said,
>>>> >> " Boss, if you don't mind,
>>>> >> I'm going to step into the bedroom
>>>> >> for just a moment.
>>>> >> I'll be right back."
>>>> >>
>>>> >> "Ok." I nervously replied.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> She went into the bedroom and,
>>>> >> after a couple of minutes,
>>>> >> she came out
>>>> >> carrying a huge birthday cake ...
>>>> >> Followed
>>>> >> by my wife,
>>>> >> my kids,
>>>> >> and dozens of my friends
>>>> >> and co-workers,
>>>> >> all singing "Happy Birthday".
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> And I just sat there...
>>>> >>
>>>> >> On the couch...
>>>> >>
>>>> >> Naked.

[Crayola]

lol jokeszzzz

[WiseGuy]

lol funny

[WiseGuy]

From: Benson Chang
Sent: Monday, December 03, 2007 10:12 AM
To: A lot of people
Cc: A lot more people
Subject: RE: [Adam] [mini co-op]



Ahhh whilst I ventured to plunder the booties of the great source of evil (aka Best Buy – and you know they’re evil when they had batman there doing autographs) we have had some unexpected guests. My apologies for I have been remiss. But now I bring news from afar, from the land of darkness where not a shred of chivalry exists.

On the dark night with the cold wind biting, I, your humble servant, and my two companions – Clare our resident silent ninja, and Qing a fellow Merc – braved the perils and approached the jaws of beast which guards the fabled treasures. By my word, an uglier beasts I have not seen, fat and lazy, I could see its black throat – jagged as steps – through the transparent jaws. As we inched closer, the beast opened its jaws (sideways!) and we were swallowed up. In all defiance of gravity, we were moved upwards through the beast’s throat and then the most bizarre thing happened…we found ourselves standing at the entrance of the cave of treasures.

As we stood there baffled, we were immediately interrogated by smiling two females. Oh, but they can’t trick me, nope. Through their accusatory glare, and the hostility emanating, fearing for my life, I played the part and was let through. It appears they were having a gathering for the night, for there were swarms of people all around us. We moved further into the brightly lit cave, and there we saw the fabled dark knight himself. What’s, more, he was posing and signing autographs. At this point, we knew we had to get out. We quickly went through the rest of the plunder, and finding nothing of value we hurriedly left. The beast regurgitated us and we were outside. I breathed in a sigh of relieve, though the cold air burned my lungs, I had survived. As we moved away, I turned back one last time, and realized the horror we so narrowly escaped. Had we been there any earlier, we would’ve been given Avril Lavigne tickets. Looking at her picture I can hear the grim reaper laughing diabolically. Shuddering I turned for home…

[WiseGuy]

OMG hahahahah this killed me.... just wow, did not see it coming. i couldnt stop laughing out loud at work


ROFL!!! OMG I DIED HAHAHAHAHA

Peter Porzuczek
Co-op Software Developer, Tools

_____________________________________________
From: Jake Redekopp
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2008 3:03 PM
To: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night

Yargh, those things drive me nuts! (Sorry, somebody had to say it)

_____________________________________________
From: Vincent Woo
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2008 2:57 PM
To: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night

If you have a steering wheel stuck to your crotch.

_____________________________________________
From: Ignacio Rodriguez
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2008 2:41 PM
To: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night


How do you know you’re a pirate?

_____________________________________________
From: Betrand Ong
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2008 2:41 PM
To: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night

That’s international talk like a pirate day Iggy you noob :P

_____________________________________________
From: Ignacio Rodriguez
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2008 2:39 PM
To: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night

Okay, this sounds like a story that needs to be told…

_____________________________________________
From: Lilia Leung
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2008 2:37 PM
To: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night

Au contraire. You should have been here on September 19.

_____________________________________________
From: Betrand Ong
Sent: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night

Piracy is kinda taboo at a software company….

_____________________________________________
From: Somnath Suresh
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2008 2:29 PM
To: //
Subject: RE: [co-op] pub night

How could you guys forget.. .PIRATES ???

truncated massive mailing list to //

[Zero Hero]

A couple years ago, someone stole my lunch from the company fridge (I assume they thought it was theirs, yet I did not see any other lunch in the fridge similar to what I had, which were pizza pockets). Anyways, I ended up sending out an email to about 30 people (friends ofcourse) as a joke to who stole my lunch. It ended up turning into this giant spam fest to peoples inbox about who stole my lunch. I'll post it, but it is long, and it will probably suck without the pictures.

But the funny thing about the whole thing is that about 4 months later, during the company christmas secret santa gift exchange, my mysterious gift giver gave me 2 boxes of pizza pockets in a bright blue lunch bag with the note "Now everyone will know whose lunch yours is incase they want to steal it."

[silence]

wise's was better

[silence]

ok well my work doesnt do the email thing but the owner of the company posted this up on a door that the managers frequently use to go outside and smoke...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v124/LRS_Shadow/01022008014.jpg

[WiseGuy]

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

[Mike-KT]

Hear Hear!

[WiseGuy]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer:

@ PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ WORK
You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle

@ PRISON
You get three meals a day, fully paid for

@ WORK
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off

@ WORK
For good behavior, you get more work

@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games

@ WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON
You get your own toilet

@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit

@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

@ WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK
They are called 'managers'




THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

[monty slick]

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And for the last...

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[badastronaut]

Thank you monty slick. You seriously brightened my day with that.

[ArchAngel2]

Hehe.

Those last three email posts are pretty funny. Especially the Britain Repossesing US one.

[Slaughter]

Subject: Why Parents Drink:



A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.



Dear Dad:



It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, and tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion … Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy..She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.



Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.



Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.



Love your son



John



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I am over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. Love you. Call me when it is safe to come home.

[WiseGuy]

hahahaaha im sending this to my mom!

[SharpShooter]

LOL that is amazing.

[ArchAngel2]

Hehe. That's good.

[WiseGuy]

lol, o lawd... just got this email, deserves to be posted here.

Rules of pooing at work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival


Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Slaughter]

HAHAH! That has me in tears!

[manofphat]

LMAO!!!! That's a wicked post Peter

[ArchAngel2]

HAHAH! That has me in tears!

Me too. It's a good thing that I work from home or I wouldn't have been able to finish that.

[Slaughter]

Me too. It's a good thing that I work from home or I wouldn't have been able to finish that.

I passed that one around the office and they had a good laugh too :) They were all wondering what I was cracking up about :P

[Slaughter]

Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets
Her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and
Putting both legs behind her head, yoga style..


The second old woman thought that this was a great Idea, so that night
When her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for Bed, she got
Totally naked and began the process of putting her Legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she Was a bit arthritic.



However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so She rocked herself
Backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that She flipped
Slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt Sticking straight
up in
The air. It was just then that her husband came out of The bathroom.

'Agnes!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your Hair and put your
Teeth in .... You look like an asshole.'

[badastronaut]

LOL, nice slaughter!

Must be really boring to be in the actual workplace. All the work related emails I get are totally serious :(

[SKULLCRUSHER]

Anyone posting funny work emails should be examining exactly what they are cutting and pasting into the forum post. It is our recommendation to strip out any names and or email address from the post, along with any personal information, such as workplace names and numbers. Many emails distributed in a corporate environment clearly state that the information is personal and or confidential; intended for those directly in the email.

Please refrain from posting anything that would compromise your company's email policy.

Thank you.

[WiseGuy]

i got owned, thanks gerry!

[SKULLCRUSHER]

No worries. Let me know if you need Tony's assistance. ;-)